calumannabel

I was looking at the Google map of Ness in the north part of Lewis. I don’t know who gave Google the info but the narrow road to Eoropie is marked on the map as the East Kilbride Expressway which runs into New Abbey Road. I’ve walked the road tonight and can find no zebra crossing and no recording studios. Someone has pulled the tweed over Google’s eyes!!!

Ness’ flagship store, Emporio Alanjohn, has avoided the looting that has enveloped the mainland and the manager is taking down the wooden shutters today. Alanjohn, the 5th generation owner told Fios that he has been sleeping on the premises all week and has missed his wife’s snoring. ‘I am relieved and well rested’, the old man reported. ‘I moved all the desirable stuff like dungarees and fishing hooks out the back and hid the till in the peatstack behind the store. Local policeman Angus John MacDonald had advised me to do this after being on a security course in Kinlochbervie last year on the use of watercannons in rural communities.

Just to get the retail juices flowing today, Emporio Alanjohn is offering a bag of pan drops to the first ten customers - handy for church tomorrow.

I take my Tam ‘O Shanter off to Les who has done all the Bletchley Park stuff to get me back after being unable to access my site for months. I apologise to anyone who may have tried to post any comment and wondered why I wasn’t moderating their pearls of wisdom but I couldn’t get my password to work. So what’s been happening? Donald is still signing on ‘ too strong for light work’ the last sicknote from the Habost Health Centre said. Chrissie Mary Morrison (Miss) is stil devastated at the loss of her drinking buddy Amy Winehouse and has been to Turkey where she has had the entire poem Footprints tattooed on her back complete with spelling mistakes - serves her right for using a Turkish speaking fella high on dope to do the job.

Ness is recovering from the Connemara exhange - a ceilidh in Habost spilt out on to the road last week halting traffic with many tourists getting out to join in the dancing! Don’t think the traffic jam made Radio 2 though.

Annie B is absolutely fit and well once more and out in the sheilings for the Summer then off to Lowestoft for a summer season gutting herring for the tourists. She’s been experimenting with a marac made from guga blood - Charlie Barley can sleep easily for the time being. Hope this is the start of regular blogging again.

Cheerie

Did you see Chrissie Mary MacDonald (Miss) jump to her feet when Russia was announced as winner? She was wearing a leopardskin print dress she bought from the catalogue last year. She has been staying on Obramovitch’s yacht and has got him hooked on marac and iron brew. She is acting as an agent for several Ness and Lochs footballers and is keen to get them on to Chelsea’s book.

No wonder the Sassenachs lost the 2018bid they didn’t do their homework - they were dealing with some guy who said he was Jack Warner but he was black and no one spotted it. I’ve watched hundreds of episodes of Dixon of Dock Green when I was younger and even I noticed that under his copper’s helmet Jack Warner was as white as the moors around Altnahara. So they were wasting time dealing with an imposter who probably had no votes at all.

The black house is so cold a the moment I opened my bedroom wardrobe and my Sunday suit had my overcoat on.

PS Quiz night question

What is the capital of Ireland?

Answer 10 euros

I see that interviews are taking place for a new family to augment the population of Canna -presently around 22. I think at this early stage we should be lobbying the interview panel to ensure that whoever moves in is good with the blether and handy on the keyboard.

Since no one has blogged for four days I thought I’d risk the wrath of the kirk by posting a blog on the Sabbath. Of course I’ve been reading everyones’ contributions - sorry I’ve no instant cure for hot flushes in SW France - nor any specific views on food - good Lord we eat guga and cods’ heads stuffed with oatmeal with a nice seaweed dessert in Ness so what could I possibly offer by way of serious opinion - by the way guga is not microwaveable - Been reading Suas gu Dheas the recently televised diary of two Hebrideans walking from the Butt to Barra. Angus Peter Campbell and Cailean Maclean have put together a nice coffee table book - no coffee tables in our black house we have a Maconachies Kipper Box on top of a milking stool - anyway these two took a fortnight walking and bumping into folk from one end of the outers to the other eating a considerable quantity of scones on the way. They commented on Sunday in Stornoway and observed the many folk wending their way to church. They decided the Church of Scotland folk were dressed a little more brightly than the Wee Frees - God knows what they thought of the Continuing folk - the breakaway wee frees - anyhow it’s made me think that this is a marketing opportunity for the shops in Stornoway. Tesco M and Co etc could intrduce Church of Scotland aisles and Wee Free aIsles to help folk chose their Sunday attire all the better. No Wee Free would turn up for Communions looking like a Christams tree. Boots and Superdrug could put the condoms in a special aisle and warn Barra folk off it - the possibilities are endless. Apparently wind farms are getting folk steamed up around Oban now so Lewis hasn’t a monopoly on ill feeling towards thes beasts. Next book is the History of Caledonian Mac Braynes - I am always amazed how small the Loch Seaforth and the Loch Nevis were compared to today’s ferries. I’m off to have a chat with the cow now as there is nothing on Alba . Cheerie as TWS would say

Five days since anyone blogged - the site’s as quiet as the recreation room of the Flannan Isles lighthouse! Incidentally good programme on Alba on lighthouses tonight - mainly around Jura. Talented family those Stephensons and Pamela is carrying on the tradition of being a celebrity. Chrissie Mary Morrison (Miss) has just returned from the X Factor Boot Camp full of her affair with Simon Cowell. Our black house is crammed full of red roses - we have run out of vases and they are crammed into Donald’s empty Tennents cans.

Thanks to Arnish for his remembrance. Correct me if I’m wrong but I believe Stornoway War Memorial is the only one with 1914-1919 on it as the Iolaire sank on the first day of 1919.

I recently spotted a restaurant near Scotch Corner in the north of England selling Stornoway black pudding as one of its starters. Anyone seen it further afield than this. Annie B was offered it as part of breakfast in a hotel in Bristol and was able to tell the chef it wasn’t the genuine article.

Off to bed now before George Osborne taxes sleep

Along with the Hebridean Soap Company shop one of my favourite places on Lewis is the Morven Gallery in Barvas where coffee is treated as alchemy and local cakemakers find an outlet - Victoria sponge especially good. It was here I first dicovered the art of John Lowrie Morrison or Jalomo as he is perhaps better known. He was featuring in Barvas long before Madonna, Sting and lately The Queen discovered his art - the state rooms of the Hebridean Princess were decorated with his art for Her Maj’s Cruise.

I had the pleasure of attending an exhibition of Jalomo’s latest work in Harrogate last week - loads of cavases on two floors. The catalogue is online if you type walker galleries harrogate into your search engine. In a matter of days 46 canvases had sold at prices between 3-10K - who says there’s a recession.

There were some spectacular canvases of Jura and of Tobermory. Morven’s prices are a giveaway compared to the mainland at a quarter of the mainland price. I feel very fortunate to own two bought long before he became a superstar and if my bid was high enough I may have got a third at a Glasgow auction yesterday. It is lovely to see the islands through this artist’s eyes.

The Sunday Express online is carrying an article that Tesco will be the first supermarket to sell Viagra without prescription. My reason for posting this is so that churchgoers in Stornoway will realise why there is a queue of bodachs patiently waiting outside Tesco for Monday opening. Donald has gone to join and his tent is the little green one with the Jolly Roger flag flying form it. (Sorry unfortunate use of the word Roger - noun not a verb).

Which reminds me of Donald’s previous experience when he asked when he was seeking Viagra at Boots in Inverness. He asked if he could get it over the counter and the assistant repied, ‘It will certainly make you bigger but not that bigger.’

I was highly amused to read an article in the Scottish press about a competition to find the town which is Scotland’s greatest eyesore -believe me there must be no shortage of candidates. The honour fell this year to John O Groats who received the wonderfully named Plook on a Plinth award. Plook is sort of Glaswegian for a pimple or spot to those who read this on distant shores. Perhaps John O Groats is keeping the award warm for Lewis for when the windfarms arrive?

Chrissie Mary Morrison (Miss) is avoiding the tabloid reporters keen to report on the five in a bed romp in the Loch View Band B in Kinlochbervie with the entire back four from Inverness Caley Thistle otherwise things are quiet at this end of Ness.