calumannabel

Gastronomic highlight of the Ness year, Dods MacFarlane and the boys are back with a boat full of guga.

Ness exiles from other parts of the island are busy collecting their orders from relatives for it is all to order nowadays - no more buying off the pier at Port of Ness - in fact a few more storms there will be no pier at Port of Ness to buy from.

A couple of years back there was a book called 101 uses for a Dead Cat and I thought we might do something similar for the dear guga. It is rumoured that Louis Vuitton are bringing out a range of Guga skin luggage so that can be number one.

2 Stretched the guga skin makes a fine tea cosy.

3 It makes a fine plug if you have a hole in your septic tank.

4 Nail a guga to your peat stack and no one will nick your peats.

5 Replace the tyres alongside Stornoway pier with guga - tougher and longer lasting.

6 Kids’ tip - Use the skin to back your school exercise books and the teacher will never again check your homework

7 Repair punctures in your tractor tyres using guga and evo stick.

etc etc

Someone called Donna Smith has written to the Gazette complaining about a lack of facilities on a Sunday at Callanish. Having married into a New Tolsta family she says she understands the island customs but finds this too much.

My cousin Donald has just married into a primitive New Guinea tribe ( to get away from Chrissie Mary) and in his most recent letter he says he’s come to terms with the cannibalism but at a recent human sacrifice he was appalled there was no Starbucks or Golden Arch. He ranted that if the New Guineans dont embrace capitalism they’ll never make the transition from coloured beads to capitalism. So it isn’t just Callanish that has this problem. Maybe it’s part of what makes a World Heritage Site?

The guys that designed the circle should have thought this through that there wasn’t anywhere to chew the fat or have a drink of seawater together.

There is light a tthe end of the unnel for the Donna Smith’s of this world as I understand the Callanish Common Grazing Commission has been stung into action by her complaint and from September 1st the Callanish Stones will be drive through. Packed lunches will be handed to every visitor by a band of specially picked heathens and Stornoway gold club members and thermos flasks supplied too. A track is being laid through the circle so visitors will not have to leave their cars.

I submitted a similar version of this to the Stornoway Gazette website but they didn’t publish. Whimps!!

Gambol responsibly

I was catching up with the Stornoway Gazette when I chanced upon a letter from a Harry Kear from Lydney in Gloucestershire. He complained that while on a recent cruise his enjoyment of Stornoway was marred by its dirtiness and he was staggered that there was no Harris Tweed Visitors’ Centre on the Quayside. I guess Mr Kear is a civil servant with a protected pension first on the basis that he can afford a cruise and second on the basis that he thinks such a centre could employ 20 to 30 people - nearly as many as the Shawbost Mill employs.

Why he should think such a centre should be on the quayside I cannot think unless he expects other traders to set up stall close to his boat for his convenience. Maybe some Nicolsonians on summer holiday could dive into the harbour for coins for these tourists? He compalins that Malcolm burr whoever he is has not replied to his letter of complaint. Mr Burr is to be congratulate on ignoring his correspondence.

I’ve been to Lydney which is a good deal dirtier than Stornoway - in fact if the Good Lord was going to give the world an enema Lyndney might be one of the places he’d put the hose! That’s the end of my rant.

Back to my high sided cot

Calum

Chrissie Mary Morrison (Miss) is now back home in Fivepenny after her release from the Tropical Diseases Ward at the Western Isles hospital (it’s round the back near where the helicopter lands). The malaria she suffered is now subsiding and she is expecting a bevvy of VIP visitors nwo that the HebFest is upon us. Rapper Uilleam I Am is said to be desparate to see her and bunch after bunch of flowers from the service station at Barvas have been delivered to the star’s retro blackhouse in Ness. When I called with a cameraman this morning, Chrissie Mary’s mother answered the door with flour on her hands, She told us in an exclusive that said she was making scones just in case Simon Cowell dropped in. She added that Chrissie Mary herself puts her illness down to some whelks she ate at Piers Morgan’s wedding bash plus the general feelings of nausea that being Jordan’s bridesmaid brought on.

Derek, her new boyfriend is said to be staying nearby in a bed and breakfast desparate to be reunited. It is said that whisking her off for a romantic weekend in Skegness did nothing to help the stricken star recover. He is back over the pond where he is a dancer and singer in the Tight Leather Club, a tribute band to the late Andy Stewart.

Chrissie Mary’s ex has not been in touch at all and is now back in trianing with Lochs FC after his efforts in South Africa. Apparently he may be the subject of a multi million pound transfer abroad to Inter Govan though negotiations are at an early stage.

WATCH THIS SPACE FOR MORE LEWIS SHOWBIZ GOSSIP

PS After many years together Annie B and her gall bladder have split up. It was an on /off relationship that is now dead in the water. The gall bladder has left her and is living in a yellow clinical waste bag somewhere on a landfill site in Britain. It is giving no interviews as it signed an agreement with Annie B before they went their separate ways. Annie B is tired but relieved that she is now free of this pain and is ready to move on.

A NEW BOAT FROM CALMAC

The big questions are

Will the cafe still serve macaroni and the stragest chicken curry in the civilised world.

Will the female tannoy voice and he ‘bing bong’ have to move to the Oban route with the Isle of Lewis?

What will the new boat be called? How about ‘Isle be Blowed’ or ‘Isle Beback’ ( and next time it’ll be personal) or would that be too much paint. Glen Vodka would be a good alternative  given the amount of cheap potato juice the local shops sell.

Perhaps there will be a Continuing Free Church chapel on board for the Sunday sailings etc etc

And why isn’t the boat going to be windpowered??? Answer me that.

The Home Secretary has announced temporary caps on immigrants this morning. I hope these caps are to be made of Harris Tweed as it will do much to stimulate the island economy. Perhaps some gloves in locally produced wool might also be a good idea or is this asking too much?

Calum

Three days since anyone’s last post - no not the bugle tune - but anyone from the islands giving their ten pennorth which will be twelvepennorth under the new coalition. Highlight of my life recently is the purchase at auction of a model of a CalMac ferry. I once saw one in the dining room of the Ardvasar Hotel and my eyes lit up - however my wife said we must stick to stealing soap and dressing gowns when staying in high class hotels and leave the fixtures and fittings. Thes eare the detailed wooden models that are in some of the terminal offices. I can smell the macaroni coming from the restuarant when I go near the model. My sister has had a survey done on a house by a mainland geezer who said the house is 110 years old - my cousin who is 60 remembers playing in the builder’s sand while it was going up and the survey also described the bathroom as having a bath. The bath was discarded outside at the back of the house giving a fine sea view and a shower cubicle was the feature of the bathroom. One surveyor that shoud have gone to Specsavers….The butt of Lewis lighthouse has been painted - should have done it in Rainbow Warrior colours that would have looked great - but plain magnolia but I suppose if anyone buys the lighthouse they can impose their own decor or that’s what they always say on these makeover shows.

Gosh this is random. Chrissie Mary Morriosn (Miss) is lying low in case her affiar with David Laws come to light while Donald is busy watching the boxed set of Machair we got him for his birthday. We told him there is a special episode with Sarah Jessica Parker guesting and he’s been glued to the set ever since.

Well my fellow islanders let’s pull together and post - surely soemone can do better than this?……………..

So the political emphasis in Mr Murdoch’s beauty competition has shifted from Mrs Brown’s feet via Mrs Cameron’s trainers and now its Mrs Clegg’s undergarments that are hogging the limelight. What the woman is doing paying those high falluting mainland prices is beyond me. Alan John’s Emporium in Lionel has a fine range of libert bodices for the discerning woman. I’ve never had any complaints when I’ve peeled off to reveal them! There are changing facilities behind the paraffin tank - what more could the modern woman ask for?

Failing that there are a number of shops on Bayhead in Stornoway that will give change on a fiver for a pair of knickers for each day of the week.

I am staggered that no candidates have visited the Eoropie bochan canvassing for votes. I know the lads have been staying sober until ten at night on the off chance of a visit. P*** artists they may be but it’s a doazen easy votes for the first candidate to buy them a nip. They are dying tosak why whisky cannot be reduced in price for the island when cider was for the worzels in Cornwall. Is it cos we’re Gaels? asks Donald who has constantly kept a stream of licensed victuallers’ children in private education.

Nothing on Alba about the election - shouldn’t the gay guy from River City be given a Swingometer?

The first politican to bring back Mitchell’s buses will get my vote.

Cheerie for now - lovely drying weather!

Are the crew of the ‘Isle of Lewis’ floating voters?

When are any of the party leaders coming to Fivepenny so I can have the kettle on. I heard from the man in the fish van that they were at Port of Ness last Thursday.

I thought a Clegg was an insect. Is the Cameron fellow one of the Locheil clan?

Why Is there no English Democratic party candidate standing in the W Isles?

Finally Mrs Clegg’s feet seem to be in apple pie order. I was to fly out to sort out Mrs Brown’s feet but some volcano near Sulisgeir has erupted and the air space is full of particles of charred guga so no planes from Callanish International until further notice.

From our outpost in Ness we thought it might be a good idea to throw our ten pennorth into the political ring. We may even start an election blog if the apathy pills the district nurse has given us take effect.

The big issue around our blackhouse breakfast table ( aprt from who clears last night’s cans away) is the burning issue of the state of the feet of Sarah Brown, the Prime Minister’s wife. On sunday morning TV ( we didn’t watch it we were only told about it) that well know pundit and gobshite, Ruby Wax ranted about the dowdiness of the political wives compared to those of US politicians.

The US eceonomy is knackered but Mrs Obama’s dress sense and vitalityhas single handedly stopped the poor from rising up and looting Colonel Sander’s gaff.

Mrs Brown apparently could do with a few minutes pedicure. Chrissie Mry Morrison (Miss) is so concerned she is offering to jump on the nextferry and help the hapless PM’s missus get her plates of meat sorted.

Chrissie Mary is eminently qualfied having completed a six week cours last Summer at Lionel JS School. She has the certificate for the ‘Emery Board for Dummies’ course which is on her bedside table alongside her photo of Joe MacElderry.

Otherwise the population in general is not yet bitten by election fever. In emporioalanjohn there is a general feeling that tax relief on the sale of out of date food might be a good idea and the abolition of VAT on dungarees would be welcomed. We will be feeling the pulse of Ness in the coming weeks. Any other areas getting politically excited?